After the Journey
by Shin Sankai
Summary: What am I? I am not human and I am not demon, so where do I belong The musings of Hakkai...and a certain monk ends up coming to console him...kind of...


Authors Notes: Well it's kind of PWP, but give it a go ne? It's mostly Hakkai orientated, his thoughts etc since I tried doing a story from his point of view and all. Doubt it worked out, but ah well. And in the end…or kind partly the way through it a certain monk pops up. Well enjoy!

** **

After the Journey

By: shin-no-shibo

I watch them…the three of them…all the time. At the moment we are resting and situated around a small fire with the pitched up tent not to far off either. 

It feels like forever that we've been on this journey…this journey to the West, but then after being with the three of them for so long, I don't know if I could really feel comfortable with just up and leaving like I had thought many times in the past. I had been asked if I wanted to be here before, as they could go on with the mission without me, but in the end I really do want to be here. 

Sometimes…sometimes I just felt so left out around them. They have their quarrels and then they have their food or their cigarettes to calm their nerves, but I don't really have anything to keep down all my emotions. I am an enigma to many, always smiling over everything, but I really don't want to trouble anyone with my constant worrying thoughts.

In truth, I wasn't like any of them...I was different all on my own.

"Mou, when is dinner ready? I'm hungry!" I placed on a small smile, which had been devoid since earlier this morning. These thoughts had been with me the entire day, drumming into my mind, but somehow hearing Goku complain about food kept me away from my own darkness. He was so naive, so innocent, something I hadn't been for a long time…and yet underneath that innocence he had incredible strength. Underneath his headgear - one made of gold - that only the gods could forge, Goku held true frightening power. I had seen it, witnessed it and tried fighting it but lost against him. I was never a match for him, never could be a match for him, but even so he is someone I will always care for. A young boy, though we truly don't know his age, he is neither human nor demon, he is something different. A heretic, Homura had called him. Not that I actually knew what he meant by calling Goku that, but still he was defined as a Heretic nonetheless. There was so much I wanted to know about him, but left it alone for Goku knew nothing. His mind was confused drawing a total blank as to why he had been locked up, but years later a monk rescued him.

"Shut up you stupid monkey, its gotta cook first!" Ah, Goyjo, my best friend, the half-human, half demon man that saved me all those years ago. I wonder if he truly knows how grateful I am that he picked me up in the rain - wounded and broken - and treated my wounds. He had even stopped smoking for a couple of days while I recovered and I know how much he loves his smokes. Almost as much as he loves his women. He was born of a forbidden breed, the union of demon and human, but in the end after much talking I think Goyjo has gotten over that pain. It will always be with him, humans and demons alike knowing that he is of a mixed breed, but thanks to this group we have formed, I'm sure Goyjo doesn't care as much. His red hair and eyes aren't a bother to us at all. He is helpful, though sometimes he thinks he isn't because to him he does have a weakness…his human side, but then he wouldn't be Goyjo if he didn't feel a little left out at times. To me it doesn't matter and I bet even Goku doesn't mind. Though they argue over some of the pettiest things, it's like watching two brother's quarrel and though they piss Sanzo off immensely I'm sure he doesn't really mind.

"Don't call me monkey you stupid pervy water sprite!" Goku yelled standing up, as did Goyjo, the two of them ready to head into another argument. It was all stopped however, by a certain harisen smacking over their heads as it was clutched in the hand of Sanzo.

"URUSAI NA!" Or perhaps he does mind. The forest went eerily quiet and usually I'd give off a small chuckle, but today my thoughts were just on all of them.

"Can't you wait ten more minutes you stupid monkey?" Sanzo voiced annoyingly.

Genjo Sanzo, the monk I had run into three years ago, coming to arrest me for all the crimes I had committed back then…all the demons I had murdered. It felt so long ago, but then whenever I remembered my dear Kanan, all those murders felt like I had committed them yesterday…and I was heading for death with Sanzo, my hands bound in chains. I had been expecting it, neither afraid of punishment if I received any or of the death I knew I couldn't possibly avoid. Instead all I thought of was the last time I saw Kanan as she killed herself in front of me. I had tried so hard to protect her…back then when I was Cho Gonou, but now...as I sit near the fire with my three companions around me I'm not Cho Gonou anymore, I'm Cho...

" Hakkai, you okay man?" My emerald eyes search out Goyjo's as he stops rubbing the bump on his head to pay attention to me.

"Yes, I'm fine." I plaster a smile on my face, covering up the confusion and worry if it ever surfaced to my facial features. Instantly he goes back to arguing with Goku, but from the corner of my eyes I see amethyst staring right at me. 

Sanzo was not your average typical monk that's for sure. He was brash, rude and extremely ill-tempered. He was stubborn, down right ruthless at times and the most noticeable was probably the fact he was travelling with a bunch of "misfits" as we were known and he carried a banishing gun. He was the only human in the small group and waved his banishing gun at ny demon that wished to harm he. There was a lot of pent up emotions behind that frown but Sanzo would rather die then actually show any. Its who he was after all. Not only that he smoked just like Goyjo and drank a lot of alcohol as well. One thing that seemed to make Sanzo a "monk" was the fact that anyone getting close to him was a bad thing. Affection and intimacy was out for Sanzo, so it seemed he was quite the celibate monk and really didn't give a shit about lots of things.

"I'm just going for a walk." I heard myself say over the arguing pair of demons. I could not stand those amethyst eyes staring any longer at me and so I needed to escape. As those eyes continued to eye me silently, the sun reflected in his golden locks of hair making him quite the attractive monk. I squashed those thoughts from my mind immediately. I stood up and brushed loose grass from my pants.

"Demo, Hakkai, dinner's nearly ready though." Goku responded as all eyes turned to stare up at me. I felt uncomfortable for the first time in front of them.

"Its alright, I won't be too far, just back at that field we past earlier. Besides all you have to do is shout and I'll be able to hear okay?" I watched Goku nod his head and headed off, Hakuryuu immediately flying after me to perch on my shoulder. The one creature I knew that would never betray me...or leave me behind. I pet him as he kyu's and felt him place his small head against my cheek. The was my one true companion, as terrible as that sounded, but whenever this mission finished I didn't know what I'd do, but I knew Hakuryuu would always be with me and at that thought I felt a little bit better.

After walking for about ten minutes I came across the large flower field and stepped into it. I knew I was crushing delicate flowers beneath my shoes, but I needed to be in the middle of this beauty and so I lay done, hidden amongst the tall flowers blowing in the afternoon breeze. It was so peaceful that I closed my eyes basking quietly in the warm sun. Hakuryuu made his usual noise and then curled onto my stomach. I placed one arm behind my head and the other brushed lightly over Hakuryuu's small form. 

My thoughts began to wonder once more as I pet Hakuryuu to sleep. I wasn't like them, none of them. I wasn't a "half breed" like Goyjo and I wasn't a "heretic" like Goku. I wasn't even a "human" like Sanzo. I used to be one, but having murdered the entire Hyakugan Maoh Clan, having the blood of thousand demons on my hands…on my body I had turned into a demon myself. So in the end I was between the two races and still not a half-breed. I had been born a human, but now as my hand left the sleeping Hakuryuu to brush at my limiters holding in my demon power I didn't know what to think of myself anymore. I wasn't born a demon either, I'd just become one because of my rampage at my Kana being taken away from me. So in the end I wasn't human...and I wasn't a demon by birth either…in fact…I was lost between the two as though I was swimming around in the darkness of my heart unable to find the light to get out. 

Suddenly I felt a pressure at my head and snapped my eyes open to see Sanzo of all people looking down at me, the handle of his harisen pointed at the side of my head.

"Baka, I could have been a demon coming to kill you. Then what would you have done?" I stayed lying down, not wishing to disturb Hakuryuu's sleep. He must really be tired from all the travelling we've been doing. Can't be easy on the poor dragon, as he not only drives where I take him, but he also has to carry four passengers too.

"I know the smell demon's carry pretty well Sanzo and you don't have that stench so there was nothing to worry about." A small frown encased his lips, but when was his facial expression ever different? I turned my eyes back up to the sky, the sun behind some clouds. It really was a nice afternoon to just lie here…alone and think things over. Now though the golden haired man with the amethyst eyes I seemed to be afraid of these days had come. Why had he come?

"The saru called, but you never came. That was an hour ago." 

"Gomen..." I muttered lightly, my hand brushing over Hakuryuu once more.

"Che!" Sanzo mumbled and then I could hear his clothing move. He was probably leaving already. I had my eyes closed off to him after all so I really couldn't tell. Besides I never want him to see what was in my emerald eyes. I never want to scare him away…any of them away, so I try and hold back as much as I can, but at times like these, I just need to get away from them all. How selfish of me...

"Your dinner has been eaten by those two morons." I snapped my eyes open to realise that Sanzo hadn't left and in fact he was sitting just a few feet away from my lying form.

"I'm not really that hungry anyway." I heard myself automatically reply.

"I made them fix something up for you so it should be ready soon."

"You threatened their lives again didn't you Sanzo?" My emerald orbs opened to quickly glance over at Sanzo. Big mistake on my behalf. Having him sitting near me as close as he'll probably ever be to me he looked…almost angelic. The setting sun was beating down on his back, making his robes and his golden hair shine brightly. Blooming white flowers framed his slim physique and my eyes constantly watched his gloved hand as he tore one from its stem and twirled it aimlessly in his hand. Flowers he can touch and they him, but never anything human, demon…or me.

"Sanzo…?" I heard myself whisper slightly. I knew he was looking at me, waiting for me to continue and though I didn't want to, the words came flying out of my mouth.

"Is it wrong of me…to love four people?"

"What?" He instantly questioned. I knew I wouldn't really get an answer, but as soon as those words were free and because I was with Sanzo, I let my heart out…only just a little though.

"Kanan, though she is dead, I think...I think I'll always love her. Though I'm no longer Cho Gonou, he is still within me because I can still remember everything about her."

"Aa…" Came the dry tone of Sanzo's voice. The wind blew the scent of cigarette smoke towards me. He wouldn't be Sanzo if he weren't smoking after all.

"Is that wrong Sanzo…to love a dead person?" I wanted an answer, though as the silence grew heavier between us I began slipping back into my own thoughts, until he spoke.

"You had many happy memories with her right?" My eyes opened, slightly blurry as I stared into the cloudy sky. I let out a soft 'yes' knowing Sanzo would have heard it.

"There is history between the two of you, she obviously made you happy, therefore happy memories should never be forgotten." I felt relieved by his words and drew my eyes towards his slightly bowed head.

"Arigatou…" I voiced softly, watching his head lift up, but those amethyst eyes of his widened slightly. I wonder what for, but Sanzo never voiced what the problem was and instead he drew his eyes away from mine and lit another cigarette.

"I have many happy moments with Kanan, demo Sanzo, what if that happiness drifts away…to…other people…"

"Hmm, I presume you mean towards the saru and the half breed."

"Eh?" He could read me that easily?

"Che! I'm not stupid Hakkai. We've been on this journey for awhile now and I've known you and Goyjo for years as well. I watch and I observe everything." I laugh softly, the first one in ages and it actually surprises me slightly. My eyes drift to the sunset watching the reds and oranges splash through the clouds. It really is pretty.

"It is true, I do love them, but I love them as brothers. Though I've never known what a brother is, I presume the way those two are with Goyjo taking care of me all those years ago and Goku constantly asking me questions, I feel like the middle brother trying to look after the both of them as best I can. Its kind of funny at times, thinking of them as my brothers when they constantly fight. But then, it pleases me to see that they can come together in battles and team up and protect each other's backs. Sure they argue and annoy the hell out of you, but in the end I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but right here with them and on this journey...and with you as our illustrious ill-tempered leader."

"Watch it!" Came a snappy remark and I laughed once more, my sparkling emerald eyes moving to the vein throbbing on Sanzo's head. He really was adorable when I pissed him off. I quickly shut that thought away as my eyes drifted to the purple hue breaking into the clouds taking over the red and orange.

"I know you care for them too Sanzo. I watch…and I observe everything too. Though they piss you off, they do help on this journey no matter what you think. Goku…Goku's just an innocent when you think of it and requires your guidance a lot. You care for him and you cannot deny it for you were the one that rescued him after all."

"Only because that stupid monkeys voice kept annoying me all the time!" A small laugh escapes my lips once more. He really was so stubborn.

"And the fourth?"

"Eh?" I wasn't expecting him to say anything more, this was surprising to hear him talk so much.

"Che! You said four people, but only expressed three. I realise you are quite fond and friendly with Yaone, but I must warn you its not wise to love her, she is one of Kougaiji's assassins after all." This time I laughed loudly at his words. Sometimes he really was…

"Ba~ka, _Houshi-sama_…" I drawled jokingly at him. Sanzo snapped his slightly pissed off amethyst eyes to mine.

"And I thought I heard you say you weren't stupid." Another vein throbbed at Sanzo's forehead and this time I really did want to brush my fingers over it to help him loose the tension he kept in around me. However my hand stayed posed on Hakuryuu while the other was bent behind my head still.

"Che! Forget it!" Sanzo briskly stood up, his back turned to me and his arms crossed over his chest. He was leaving me alone. I didn't want to be alone.

"Sanzo wait!" Was that desperation in my voice? I sat up now, softly apologising to Hakuryuu for waking him, but he just nudged my hand as though telling me it was okay and then he went for a short fly obviously to stretch out his wings.

I want…to tell you the fourth person."

"So tell me!" He snapped, obviously I had irritated him a little too much today.

"It's…"

"OI SANZO! HAKKAI'S FOOD IS READY!" Came the loud interrupting voice of Goku.

"AND THE SARU MADE HIMSELF SOME MORE TOO!" Goyjo yelled as they came towards Sanzo's standing form, his back still to me while I was still sitting on the ground.

"WELL YOU MADE ME HEAT SOME MORE UP FOR YOU TOO YOU PERVY WATER SPRITE!" There were two loud 'bangs' as Sanzo's harisen connected with Goyjo and Goku's heads once more. His back was still to me as he spoke.

"Are you coming?"

"Iie, I'd like to stay, just a bit longer, to watch the sun set if that's alright with you."

"Che! Do whatever you want." Was his abrupt reply and he walked off, Goku calling out to him as he ran up to his side.

"Oi Hakkai, everything alright man?" Goyjo spoke, lingering behind as the other two headed towards camp.

"Aa… " I voiced softly, my lips void of a smile. I think I sounding pretty much like Sanzo whenever he said that at times.

"Wait, don't tell me that monk…"

"Iie Goyjo, it's alright, nothing happened…and besides…I never spoke of anything to him about…" I died off at the end, my eyes gazing into red ones and I placed a smile on my face.

"Such a coward ne?"

"Hakkai…?" I shook my head to interrupt whatever it was Goyjo was going to say. I wasn't in the mood for another one of his lectures as to why in "seven hells" I wanted to be with the "grumpy uncouth monk". In truth, I had no answer to give and just placed on my usual smile and went on my way, but Goyjo was smart and persisted and yet I still didn't have an answer to this day. All I could come up with was "because I could not help it". Now how pathetic is that?

"Its okay Goyjo, you head back, I won't be far behind."

"You sure?" He questioned once more and I really did feel like his younger brother at times, listening to his reasons as to why I should stop these feelings for Sanzo. He was trying to be protective knowing that Sanzo was very much the "touch me and you die" type of person. I think I finally figured out why Goyjo was warning me of Sanzo. He was more afraid then I was at being hurt. He really cared that much. At that I couldn't help but smile genuinely up at him and nodded my head. He was my dear friend…and my brother…and I loved him for it.

"OI YA PERVY WATER SPRITE, I'M GUNNA EAT YOUR FOOD!" Goku yelled back at Goyjo before he raced off ahead of the slow walking Sanzo.

"DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT TOUCHING MY FOOD MONKEY OR YOUR DEAD!" Goyjo raced off at that, high tailing it past the annoyed Sanzo as he grumbled a "baka" to the both of them before he continued on his leisurely way. My eyes lingered on the golden locks of hair brushing past the nape of his neck. How I wanted to touch, but never did. I stayed my distance…it was better for me that way.

"I'll hurt too many…so I'll watch…protect…and love from afar." I voiced to the breeze and then faced the setting sun watching the sky turn from deep purple to black with millions of twinkling stars dancing in the sky. I wonder if my Kanan was one of them? She was gentle, sweet and kind to anyone and at that I knew she would be one of those brilliant stars twinkling forever in the night sky. I placed my legs closer to my chest and hugged them tightly.

"Gomen…Kanan…" I voiced softly and buried my head into my knees. I was alone. Hakuryuu had not come back, but I knew he was safe so it didn't bother me, but…I was still alone.

So alone…

"THAT'S TWICE BAKA!" I snapped my eyes open hearing that same annoyed voice and the pressure of the handle of the harisen on the back of my head this time. Sanzo stood behind me, so I lifted my head looking over the fireflies dancing in the soft breeze.

"You're not a demon Sanzo, you don't smell like them. I already told you that and besides…I'm not defenceless."

"I know that." Came the instant reply and I placed my head back onto my knees only now resting on my chin and not hiding my eyes, though its not like I needed to for Sanzo was still standing behind me.

"If you don't tell me why you are so gloomy, I'm going to kill you." I laughed; perhaps this was the first time Sanzo ever threatened to take my life.

"What am I Sanzo?"

"Huh?" In an instance I was staring at the sitting form of Sanzo. He sat a couple of feet away from me now, back straight, arms crossed over his chest looking defiant and his amethyst eyes bore into my emerald ones and then I found a glimpse of something. He really wanted to know what was wrong.

"Over three years ago, I was Cho Gonou…and a human living happily. Now…now I'm not human, but neither was I born a demon, I just became one because of all my crimes, so in the end I'm stuck between the two breeds not knowing where I belong. So I ask again, who am I Sanzo?"

"That's the stupidest question I've heard you ask yet?"

"Is it?"

"Well that and when you asked whether it was right for you to be here." I chuckled lightly at that, but still, he wasn't answering me at all. 

"You are not a human anymore, but you now have demon powers hidden under those ear cuffs. In the end it doesn't matter. Why must you belong anywhere and to those two…to me…you are Cho Hakkai, that's all." I darted my eyes to his and watched them widen slightly in the moonlight.

"Baka, men shouldn't cry."

"Eh?" I voiced stupidly and watched wide-eyed as the ever "don't touch me" Sanzo ended up touching me! His warm index finger lifted towards my face and brushed the skin softly under my left eye before pulling away to show me what he meant. There was moisture on that finger. I…I was crying! I quickly brushed my hands over my eyes feeling ashamed and now it finally hit me as to why Sanzo's eyes widened earlier. I must have let some tears escape then also. 

"Stupid…" I voiced to myself, but as soon as amethyst eyes caught mine, I knew he had heard me.

"I just realised Sanzo…that I…I have to watch from afar…love from afar. Too many people will get hurt otherwise." My voice was slightly broken and I dared not face the golden haired monk anymore. He'd see then…and I didn't want him to see.

"Well…she is dead remember?" I flinched slightly at his words. He thought I was referring to Kanan and I shook my head.

"No…not Kanan…"

"Oh?"

"It has to be from afar because…because he will be disgusted in me."

"He…?" I heard the surprise in Sanzo's voice. Though I guess he would try to deny it later, I still caught it. I let off a small sad laugh.

"I'm quite into switching don't you think Sanzo? From human to demon and then from loving a woman to falling in love with a man." Sanzo remained silent at that and all I did was sigh.

"I can't take his sun…" My eyes shot open, had I said that aloud?

"Who has a son?" Dammit, I really did voice that aloud!

"Not a son Sanzo, but the sun." I spoke softly and pointed to the sky to emphasise the 'sun' that I was talking about.

"So who has the sun then?" He was persistent when he really wanted to know something that's for sure. Though I remembered he said he would kill me if I didn't tell him so I took a deep breath and,

"Its…nothing…" Coward!

"Kisama, just tell me what's going on in that stupid head of yours for once!"

"Really Sanzo…its not-"

"TELL ME!"

"I LOVE YOU!" The breeze stopped, the fireflies had taken off at the two of us yelling. The place was dead silent. Well, that seemed to shut him up. I chanced a glance at him and noticed his amethyst eyes were wide open…wider then they had been when he saw my tears.

"Gomen… to fast ne? Suck an idiot I am…" I voiced softly to myself, drawing my legs even impossibly closer to me as though getting myself ready for the rejection and the loss of a friendship. I will not show hurt, I will not show hurt, I will not show hurt. I chanted that several times into my brain though I knew my heart was already cracking.

"So…I am the fourth?" His voice was quieting…almost distant. It was evident I had started driving him away from me already. 

"Yes…the fourth…and the most important to me." I watched him gulp at those words. Great, I was freaking Sanzo out, not a good idea. Just shut up Hakkai and don't say anymore! 

"You see why I have to stay away? Why I have to protect and…love from afar?"

"Because I'm the sun?" He seemed confused, it was almost laughable, but the laughing was gone and the heartache was just beginning.

"Yes…you're Goku's sun…" Pain filled my voice at that. There was no way I wanted to hurt the golden eyed boy. He was too precious…too innocent…and my little brother.

"I'm the saru's sun?" I looked shocked up at Sanzo. Did he really not know this?

"Of course you are!" I snapped at him. "You saved him from the darkness he was in Sanzo. You saved him. You are the sunshine that broke him from his darkness within that cage."

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and'?" I think this was the first time I was getting angry with Sanzo. "Goku will break Sanzo, he's just an innocent, someone who needs guidance and what do you think would happen if I took that sun away from him? I cannot betray Goku."

"So instead you allow yourself to suffer even more?"

"Its best that way. I can hide behind a smile, Goku is not that skilled to hide like me."

"Che! And I thought you were smart Hakkai." I chanced another glance at him; amethyst eyes were slightly narrowed as he stared determinedly into my emerald orbs. Actually I was surprised he had not run for dear life at finding out I loved him, but then Sanzo was stubborn after all. Sanzo never liked running away as that would show he was weak and afraid and I doubt those words existed in Sanzo's dictionary.

"He doesn't love me moron. He wouldn't even know what the word means."

"Eh?"

"Its like you said, he's an innocent and an annoying one at that, but still an innocent saru. He has no memories of why he was locked up and yes I did save him, but I am no more to him then his guardian and he is no more to me then Goku the saru. He protects me, for he feels that he needs to for I saved him, freed him from his chains. Though it is annoying, I cannot stop the saru from doing it. His feelings for me if he has any are of great thanks for setting him free, for allowing him to follow me. There is no love in that."

"So…what does that mean?"

"It means your not betraying the saru because he doesn't know what love is…and secondly you can love me…but it _has_ to be from afar." I felt my heart clench at those words. This was it; this was the beginning of rejection. Its time to brace myself.

"We have a mission, we cannot be distracted, but when its all over…" Sanzo died off at that, his eyes breaking from mine. He was…he was accepting me! Sanzo was extremely shy about this moment, but this was Sanzo after all and him and feelings together just did not mix well. He seemed so lost.

"When it's over, I won't have to love you from afar. So when this ends, wherever you go…I'll be able to go too?"

"We should head back to camp." Sanzo stood up, not answering my question, but he needn't bother. I stood up a minute after he did and we began the short walk back in silence until,

"Thank you Sanzo…for everything. Demo, I wanted to know if I could ask you another question?"

"Better not be stupid."

"Is it okay…with you…that I'll always remember Kanan?" I held my breath as he stopped walking to turn and stare silently at me. Even when the moon shone on him he looked so beautiful. I watched his lips purse slightly, his eyes gazing up into the sky for the first time this night. I wonder what he was thinking about?

"Its…okay…" At those soft spoken words, my smile, a real smile was back and for a single moment I forgot about everything and stepped forward, my arms going around to embrace the now frozen Sanzo. As soon as I felt him freeze in the loose embrace I instantly let go and stepped back, feeling a warmth rush to my cheeks.

"Ah, gomen Sanzo…" I felt my smile soften lightly as did my sparkling eyes at the still surprised Sanzo looking at me. Instantly he turned away, arms crossed over his chest, but I caught the flush crossing his cheeks also. 

__

Adorable...

"After the journey Hakkai… " I heard him whisper softly as he lit a cigarette and got his frozen legs to move again. I smiled at his back as I followed behind him heading for the snoring that was getting louder and louder.

"After the journey…" I too voiced knowing Sanzo could hear me and then quickly caught up to him and walked by his side staying in companionable silence with him. 

After the journey ends...I won't ever be alone.

* * * *

The end

* * * *


End file.
